Oh, That was a Fling…

After reflecting on an experience I had with someone, I’ve realized… it was a fling.

Let me back up. For the last two years, I was celibate. My choice. Because I know how I am.. I fall easily but not in an obsessive way.

If I like you, I want to spend everyday with you— you know having you in my presence—even in silence, taking you on lil drives throughout the city, walking on a beach somewhere as I take your pictures because I think you’re beautiful and the world should see.

When I like someone, I dream about them constantly. I live in my head so it’s nice having company.

but for two years, I chose not to go down that road—until recently.

I met someone online on Thanksgiving. She messaged me, calling me beautiful, and I thought the same about her. It was weird, from her first message, I had a feeling of familiarity.

From Thanksgiving to Christmas, we kept it light—just lil texting, a bit of flirting, some voice messages here and there. And then, this month, we met in person.

If you’ve read anything I’ve written this month, sadly those were about her… I don’t regret writing those. They are my real feelings and I never shy away from how I feel.

Our connection was instant. I would daydream about our conversations, about how I made her smile by lil gestures I did, about her eyes and how we could stare at each other for hours, about her lips and how soft they were against mine …

I swear I didn’t think she’d end up being just a fling because I really liked her. I thought she liked me too…

it turns out I was just a way to pass time while she waited for her ex to finally take her seriously.

When she told me that, I was understanding. Communication means a lot to me, so I loved her honestly and I get it — every time I’m involved with someone bisexual or pansexual this tends to happen but they’re usually sneaky about it.

So I respected her telling me but part of me feels like… damn, did I get played?

did she really like me?

If she really liked me, wouldn’t she have told her ex she needed time to figure things out? Instead, she was all in, ready to commit to him again...

I was her fling to pass time. I didn’t see her that way but I guess she was mine.

I do still like her… I mean that connection… that energy… it was all so intense—it’s been two years since I felt anything close to that. I don’t know when I’ll feel it again.

Flings are cool, I guess…

But it feels like that’s all I’ll ever be.

Next time someone shows interest in me, I hope they don’t have a ex that’s still on their mind..

I hope it’s something real…

I don’t want to be another fling. It’s too much love in me for that. I want something real, something mutual.

Another fling will turn me into a MUTT, lol.

peace.